photo by lockergnome
By M. Rene Mancha
I went to a wedding last night. One of my former co-workers finally did it. We had been trying to marry him off for years (he's 41). He is truly one of the sweetest, kindest, most gentle people I know, plus he has a fabulous sense of humor. I had the pleasure of meeting two of his former girlfriends and one of his "whatever's" and the one he married was different from them all, but clearly a good fit for him. I am so happy for them both and I can't help feeling a little like a mother who has watched her son take one of the most serious, yet rewarding steps in his life.
Something about weddings always makes me pause and reflect. My wedding wasn't video taped so I can not say for sure which specific vows I agreed to that day more than 14 years ago, but I will say that weddings always help me renew my commitment to my husband. This is particularly interesting as he did not accompany me last night. He isn't into social gatherings and unlike my sister and I, he was not raised with that unhealthy sense of obligation (you know the whole do what you are supposed to do, whether you want to or not, because it is the polite thing to do). Well, part of our relationship that is really working for us now is that acceptance of each other. He doesn't want to make small talk with people he doesn't know and will likely never see again, and I can barely resist and opportunity to dress up and eat good food. So, we each allow the other room to be ourselves. Do you have any idea how many fights are avoided because neither of us insists on our own way? I! wish I would have figured that out sooner.
photo by gentil garcon
I was seated at a table with former co-workers and two couples, both of whom were expecting their second child. So there we were, three pregnant moms sharing stories and dispensing advice. One of the dads-to-be-again, prepared his wife's plate from the buffet line so she wouldn't have to get up. It was so sweet to watch the tenderness with which he attended to her throughout the evening. The other husband wasn't the least bit condemned as he and his wife waited for the lines to shorten so they could go together. One of my former co-workers brought his wife. They just celebrated 46 years of marriage. She's Puerto Rican and he's Italian, a bonafide West Side Story. They were kind enough to dance together for me when the DJ played "At Last" by Etta James (one of my favorite songs to dance to with my husband). In all three couples, it was wonderful to see that each of them were comfortable with their relationships the way they were.
As I sat, with an empty chair next to me, I was able to do so with a bit of satisfaction knowing that I had not forced my husband to come somewhere with me. Don't get me wrong, if he would have come that would have been great, but I have gained some insight from a minister I really respect that I would like to share. It is not that we want people to do what we want them to do, we want them to **want** to. Do you get the difference? A person can do something because you want them to, but their heart isn't in it. It is a far better gift for someone to do something that blesses you because they want to do it. Which brings me to my last point.
photo by dsevilla
Before I left for the wedding, my husband presented me with a new roller briefcase to carry my laptop and papers to work. Three things are true about this scenario: 1) I would have never paid that kind of money for a bag; 2) he gets pleasure from giving me gifts; 3) I needed it. This immediately reminded me of our second date. He took me to Royal Oak, Michigan where he shared with me some of his most favorite places to go, including an art gallery, an army/navy store and some other shops. In one of the stores he asked me if I wanted anything, and I really didn't want or need anything, but I could tell he wanted to get me something, so I made a selection. At that moment I realized, he would have bought me anything in the store as long as he had the money for it. What generosity, what love, and he is still the same today.
To my married friends, I want to encourage you to love your spouse for who they are and give them room to be themselves. When they know that they can safely be themselves with you, you will get more from them and more of them. To my friends who are not married, I want to remind you that you do not have to compromise who you are to get someone you deserve. You have to be you and they need to like the real you, because 46 years later, you want to still be married and willing to tear up the dance floor with passion!
